My apologies if I was keeping you from sleep last night. ... The fact is, I've been trying to work up the courage to confess something to you. ... I just really wanted to share something with you, but was scared. I wanted to tell you the truth.
I don't know why I 'm doing this, but I know that I have to, and I can't push it out of my mind. Literally, the only person I've confessed this to, aside from you right now, is God. I keep trying to put it off and just try to talk to you in other ways, but this is just eating at me. I won't have access to a computer for another week, just my mobile web, and it will torture me to go another week without saying this. So here it goes....
Somehow, two weeks ago, I friend requested you. I was looking for family members. The only thing I can figure is that I have a cousin named Josh that lives in Cahokia, but somehow I got to you. You sent something back asking me if I had saw you on t.v. (to find out why I had requested you) and I had no idea what you were talking about. So I googled you, and the rest is history. I've still never seen you on t.v., but I read your blog.
This is the hard part for me to admit. At the time, I was in serious trouble. I was seriously killing myself. Not like suicide, but a much slower way. Daily, I was ingesting 15 to 20 Vicoden, at least 6 Ambien, and about 12 beers per day. I was like a zombie. I was numb. I didn't feel happy, sad or mad. I didn't care and honestly that was my exact goal. I would have never purposely killed myself, but I didn't really care if I lived.
Then, like I said, I read your blog. I've never felt worse in my life. It was weird. I mean, I felt guilty, but also overwhelmed by your inspiration. So, you would think that I would have wanted to take more pills and booze, but I felt the exact opposite.
I could not believe all of the years I wasted out here. I was free to do anything and I had done nothing. I was so jaded and sick, and I had done it to myself. I believed in God, but never worshiped Him. I just felt sorry for myself. I just made excuses. The second I read your blog, I knew in my heart that I could never give myself one more excuse to continue on this path that would seem justifiable anymore.
Since I was about 5 years old, I don't really remember being happy. Really, I was angry and scared. My dad began to verbally abuse my family when we moved to Arkansas. He was not happy and he resented us for it. He would call us terrible names, throw things at us, and sometimes shake us. I was afraid of him, but I loved him. It was so confusing to me. He treated my mom the same. This is what I saw growing up. I think what bothered me most is that my mom would make excuses, and tell us we just needed to be better. But it never mattered. There was always something else for him to be mad at.
Needless to say, I grew up thinking that I was not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. I was popular in school, a cheerleader, but inside I was broken. I hid it from everyone. To this day, you are the only one I have told. I would let people take advantage of me, and I thought it was ok, because if I wasn't good enough for my own father, then why should other guys feel any different (?). To me, a controlling man or an abusive man was just the way it worked. I have never had a healthy relationship with any man in my life. I'm usually afraid of or suspicious of men.
Through the course of one particularly abusive relationship, I got a tooth ache. Guess what? That was the beginning of the addiction. I had never taken a drug in my life. Weirdly enough, when I took the pain medicine, it made me feel numb to my other pain, the pain in my heart. I didn't feel better. I just didn't feel anything at all. I remember it was 9/9/2001. I actually remember the day that I flushed ten years down the drain. From that exact day until 2 weeks ago, I have been a drug abuser.
I have been a functioning drug abuser, but none the less still an abuser. I have been lying to myself, family and friends for almost 10 years now. It's crazy. This started with avoiding the pain of a relationship that ended in 2004, but, by that time, I was so lost and out of control that I really don't even remember what I was thinking. At the point of finding your blog, I was really hitting rock bottom.
So this is the really, really hard part to admit. I have told no one about this, not even my mom. There is a very complicated story behind this part, and it's very painful for me. My dad also sexually abused me, and, I do believe, several other family members. They're older than me, but they confided in me and they don't want anyone to know. I didn't even admit to them that it had also happened to me. This started happening before we moved from Illinois to Arkansas.
I hope this is not inappropriate, but I have to say it. I have felt ugly, dirty, unworthy, wrong my entire life. I have never made love to a man. I don't mean I haven't you know, but it was never love. It was miserable, and I did not even want to, but I would just put my mind somewhere else. I'm 33 and I have never been in love with a man. Anytime I came close, I would find that once again I had picked another looser or abuser. Looking back now, I can see that it's all I thought I deserved.
So, back to two weeks ago. I read your blog and then I just sat there for like 3 hours just staring at the wall and thinking about what I was going to do. Then I sat there a little longer and cried. I could not stop crying. I stayed in my house for like three days and spent most of that time on my knees praying. For the first time in my life, I realized that I should be praying for forgiveness and for strength, not for God to just make it easier on me.
I realized that all of this time I had been asking God to take away the pain, He didn't want to take it away. He wanted me to feel it and deal with it. I had not felt anything in so long. He wanted me to feel alive and aware. Once I let Him into my heart in this way, things changed and have not been the same. He didn't take the pain away, but He gave me the strength to deal with it. I have not had one pill or one drink since the moment I read your blog and story. I have tried many times in the past to quit, but never turned to the Lord for strength. I always felt sick and miserable. This time I can't even believe that I had been doing these terrible things for 10 years. I honestly have not once thought about wavering. I have not once felt week or sick, and I know that is because I have His strength behind me.
I feel Him with me every step of the way and I will never end this journey. I know that God has given me a second chance and I will never let go of it or compromise it in anyway. I know how fortunate I am, because I know where I have been.
Honestly, I am going to say that since the minute I read your blog, I have not been able to get you out of my mind. Every night, every day, and just about every hour I thank the Lord that somehow he brought you into my life. I know that you would probably say that it was Him, and not so much you, but it was Him through you. I now know how I accidentally friend requested you, because I know that it wasn't an accident at all. It was a miracle.
One more thing I have to admit is that I have been sending you messages or comments regularly, wanting to tell you what I am telling you now. I was too afraid at first because I wasn't sure if I could trust you. I have felt, from the first second, that I owed you this thank you, but was afraid of putting it out here like this. I don't know why, but you are the only person in my life that I have ever trusted, and I don't even know you. The weird thing is that somehow I feel like I have known you my whole life.
I see all of the wonderful comments sent to you from people. They are so beautiful and inspirational. I could never begin to put things into words the way some do. I actually have been trying to make a good impression, because I wanted to be your friend, and somehow I think I have come off, looking and sounding, like an idiot. I realized tonight that I must be truthful in every aspect of my life, in order to be true to God. I felt that I was still lying, because I wasn't being honest with you. You - the one person who God chose to make such an impression upon my life, to save my life. I could not go one more second without expressing this.
Seeing you in the video when you went to the beach for the first time was incredible. My Nana lives in Biloxi, MS. and I spent many summers with her trying to escape my home. I have been to the beach so many times, but I can promise you that not once did I have an experience like that. I admit I watched that video of you like 10 times and just cried. I watched every move you made and the expressions on your face. You were truly at peace. You appreciated every second. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. The way that you just laid there and soaked it all in and then just exploded with joy. I thank God that you had that moment.
I guess it's definitely true that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and I am so thankful for it. ... I hope you do not think I'm totally insane, because I don't think I have ever felt better in my life. I owe you so much gratitude. If ever you need anything, at any time, never hesitate to tell me. I will never forget you and how you, along with God, spoke to my heart in a way that it had never heard. There will not be a moment that I will not carry you in my thoughts and in my prayers. I will always hold you in the highest regard.
Thanks for sharing this with me. How did it feel writing this? How does it feel knowing I know? Would you be ok with others knowing about this? Pray about this. Your testimony could and would help so many others. You could help introduce others to a saving relationship with Jesus, just as others did, on my blog, for you. :) Powerful! God is so good! I'm so happy for you! :) ~ Josh
Thank you and I would be ok with others knowing. For the first time, since finally confessing all of that, I don't feel tied down by it anymore.
Yes, for the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I truly know Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I know things will only get better and better.